Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

I think I must put a warning here: this is not a lighthearted entry, so read at your own risk.

As I was walking back to my car the other night, I passed a house which had a sign out front that read "Journey's End." As I read it, it literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and could not shake the thought that what that sign really meant is: "this is where we have come to die." It freaked me out, and not just a little.

I do not consider myself a morbid person or one who is overly concerned or focused on death, (in fact it is entirely possible that I actually unconsciously go out of my way to avoid any thought of death at all, mine or anyone else's) so it seemed odd to me that it hit me that way and that hard, but it did. I have never given any thought to where I want to die, I am always much more focused on where and how I want to live.

And then the following occured to me:

I consciously chose to live where I reside currently and aside from the possibilities of some occasional travel or winning a villa in some exotic country, I plan to live here always...uhhh, for the rest of my life...and man that is HUGE...the friends I have made so far and will make here are likely the people I am going to grow old with, share the events of my life with, attend weddings and funerals with, that I am going to bury and/or they are going to bury me. THIS, IS MY LIFE, it may change by unforseen events or people coming into it, sure, but just as much as that house and those occupants, I have generally seemed to arrived at both my journey's new beginning and also perhaps its end.

Like most people, I expect that I thought I would grow old with my husband and children and probably not very far from where I was raised, while staying connected to my family and friends.

Reasonable yes, likely to happen? No.

Why? Because, I don't have a husband or children, and realistically I may not ever have them.

I don't write that in a self pitying way, I write it as the simple fact that it is. At one time that statement was too painful to even utter, but recently I have come to not only accept how things have turned out but even to embrace them enough to wonder if they might have been a blessing.

I have a loving, but fractured family, that has been plagued by loss and illness and does not have many members left. And I have some wonderful friends that I cherish with all of my heart as much as my family. There is no dwelling that exists from my childhood that really feels like home, so in that way, I do feel a bit like an orphan. So I created my own home, in a place that feels like a part of me, and have been trying to carve out a life for myself here that I am excited about living while filling it with people and experiences that are good and meaningful, even without "the American dream".

Journey's End - huh.