living office space

"hi, it's me...okay question for you... is it just me?

i spend all day at work scared i'm going to get laid off or fired, but every moment away from work daydreaming about different ways i could turn in my notice."

word brother, WORD!!

shake, rattle & roll

It has been an odd day, complete with earthquakes, deep discussions, more soul searching, and major anxiety about everything and really nothing, at the same time.

How was your day?

I blog, therefore I am...

What in the world did I do before I blogged? I don't mean with my time, I have plenty to do, too much - most of the time. I mean, what do I with all of these thoughts in my head! Ya know?

I am so freakin grateful to be well again, it's just generally good to be alive, thank all goodness!

Last week was all about illness and recovery, so many vitamins and herbs and hotstuff and resting and working enough in between all of that to meet my deadlines...in short...REALLY fun.

This week is all about getting things done. The "To Do" list is FAT.

All that said, Las Vegas is on tonight, and that is THE best thing about Monday!!

not very healthy...

So I am just going to generally suppose here that perhaps last weeks's blog diet may not have been real high in the nutrition area, being that I have a fever and all manner of disgusting, unpleasant flu symptoms.

The get well diet goes something like this:
enough vitamin c to kill a large animal
echinecea, echinecea, echinecea
Fruits, fruit juice, and more fruit
hot liquid of any kind
occasional food
tablespoons of honey
hot soup

makes me kinda wish i had just easten decent dinners last week :O)

the blog diet

I accidentally went on the blog diet and have lost 5 pounds (which I likely gained back today). I have been so busy blogging at night that I have literally forgotten to eat dinner this whole week. I am so burnt after working all day and blogging at night, that by the time I realize I have to go to bed and I really should be hungry, I am just too tired to care.

It may not be healthy, but its working, especially when I have a decently balanced lunch. Today was no such day, so if I end up blogging all night, probably a good thing.

update: AWB

update to award winning bread post

I did not call about the bread, I just can't bring myself to do this. How lame am I? I HAVE to do this tommorrow, have to, have to, have to. It should be so simple, "hi, the bread was fabulous, thanks so much!" I can even leave it on voicemail if I am crafty, yet it seems HARD!

30 something looo-whoo-zer

ok, I'm home blogging and watching big brother 5, but at least I am drinking champagne and smoking a cigarette while doing so. It COULD be more pathetic.

I try to console myself with life's little luxuries whenever possible.

The Michael-Nakomis half sibling drama is unfolding and he has just voted his sister out...it could NOT be more pathetic.

The most exciting thing in my love life was last night season premiere of Las Vegas, vicariously living through Danny McCoy's marriage proposal to Mary. I am embarrased to admit that it actually brought tears to my eyes. How freakin cute is Josh Dushamel? Mary would have to be dead not to say yes to him! (funny, that was accidental, there was the whole mortician sub-plot) I would even live in Vegas to spend time with that man, and Vegas just isn't a place I could probaly live in.

It's my ex-boyfriends birthday, and it brings it all to mind. It was one of those breakups where you are both still very much in love, but for reasons that feel beyond your control, it just is not going to work. The best part was that we had a great friendship, and I miss it, very much. Uh well, no point dwelling on the past. So you smack yourself upside the head and try to think of something else. How about them Raiders...

Award winning Bread

So about 2 years ago I was in a car accident. Some old lady hit me from behind because she was reading directions instead of driving her car ON THE FREEWAY. I was stopped behind a long line of cars on an exit when she hit me at about 50 miles per hour. My neck has never been the same, and after a year of therapy and more symtoms and no recovery I finally decided to sue.

This was a huge decision for me. I generally feel like most lawsuits are rediculous, but I am in serious pain, even now and have spent a lot of time and money I don't really have, just trying not to get worse. I justify this continually by reminding myself that I was minding my own business, sitting at a stoplight when WHAM! And it is not like she sneezed, or jumped or geez anything, she chose to try to read directions while driving at freeway speed.

She was not hurt.

I clearly have no residual guilt about this at all.

What is the point, and what does this have to do with bread? Well, I got a lawyer. That's a story too, but I will tell it another time. He is the nicest man, yes lawyer and nice man in the same sentence. He really has been unbelievably kind to me, just to be kind, and I am very grateful.

He has a hobby, he bakes bread. Now I shouldn't mention that this is probably not a great pastime for a guy with his health issues, but, it's not. Anyway, he apparently won an award for this one recipe and he beams with pride when he mentions it. I encourage him, it feels good to be nice to him in some small way, and mention that it would be lovely to have the recipe when I am settled into my new house. He has become my away from home father figure.

I get a message from him yesterday that he has made me a loaf of this award winning bread, and has it in the refrigerator, I just need to call. I do. I swing by and pick it up, and listen carefully to the instruction to stop and buy butter because "butter with this bread is just wonderful".

Now before I tell you about the how wonderful this bread is, I feel compelled to tell you that last week, (about a year after he became my lawyer) he suddenly confessed that he has just realized he loves me. He is 60, married happily and I don't think he said it to alert me that he means to pursue me in any way, yet I also feel he meant it in a romantic way, and why does this always fucking happen to me? And why is it never some great single guy in my age range that I also think is fabulous?

It was more like he just had to get it off his chest, but GAWD I wish he hadn't. I cannot lie, I had been recently suspecting that his feelings had deepened but I DID NOT NEED any confirmation of this.

My father and I used to joke that I must have a jerk magnet built in somewhere, if you are generally un-dateable in any way, you seem to be instantly in love with me. I am in my early thirties, and very single, very much looking for a prince charming in my generation to marry and have kids with. I may not be THE hottest chick in town, but I am definately easy on the eyes, smart, often amusing, and generally a good catch. I just can't seem to convince anyone else that lately...er...that I would want to.

So, bless his heart, the bread was stale. I am sure it was quite something when it was fresh, but not so much by the time I tried to eat it. And I am SOOO the kind of person who feels it is my duty to call and lie that is was absolutely fabulous. And I will, tommorrow.

tucker max and the case for the existence of God

Yes, I do know that the two of them have absolutely nothing in common on the surface except maybe if you believe in God, then God probably created Tucker.

Today, I noticed that for about 30 minutes I had been going back and forth between reading a Tucker Max blog and an article about the existense of God and well, I had to laugh. This, more than probably any other thing I could write, describes me in a nutshell.

If you do not know about Tucker, then you will have to visit tuckermax.com (the irony of this should become blindingly apparent)

Tucker amuses and frightens me, often and in equal measures. In some respects we are the same person, so much that I am sure we cannot exist in the same space and time. In others, not even from the same galaxy. He is a great character, and I love a good character as much as I love a good story.

God also amuses and frightens me, and often some who proclaim to be "his" people freak me the hell out.

I am on some sort of info gathering quest right now that lacks any explaination, its like being in a store and the salesperson follows you around and you just want to scream, "I'm just looking!" you don't know for what, you just are, and you know that if you find what is is you dont know that you are looking for, you will know it when it shows up.

Okay, that actually could be my whole life in a nutshell also!

i dont want to hear it

I really do not need to know if you are getting married, buying a house, or finding yourself wildly successful at your own new small business, or just thrilled with your job. I wish everyone the absolute best of everything, and am genuinely happy for anyone who achieves any measure of joy, success and love, but right now, I really do not want to hear about it.

It truly seems like every single person I have spoken to recently is simply gushing about one of the above. I presently find myself completely single, totally renting, not really loving my work, and thoroughly frustrated by the constraints I find myself struggling against in the quest towards achieving any of my dreams.

I am a pretty cheerful and rational person most of the time, but I too have my limits, and today I really felt like I had been kicked in the stomach and haven't quite been able to shake it.

All of my life I have felt as though I am supposed to do something really huge and important, and that I would have a good life, and yet, I cannot seem to figure out how to achieve that and I see time and life passing me by at an alarming rate. Surviving takes a great deal of energy, and doing everything by myself is a big weight. I am plain and simply tired. There just has to be more, but I lack confidence that I have any energy left to nurture that and am secretly beginning to wonder if it is even possible. Some day's, everything just feels really big, and really scary. But, "...I will survive..hey, hey..."

Cheers to all that are making it happen, cheers to all that are still struggling, cheers to all. And now I seriously need a cold beer!

unfreakingbelievable!!!!

I am out of the football pool AGAIN in the first flippin week! Disgusted!! I have to admit, I even wasted some of my precious time on a spreadsheet. Don't get me wrong, I did not necessarily expect to win but I thought I would at least get a few weeks out of it this year! Looo-hoo-hoo -ooo-zzz-er! Well, at least I still have the fantasy league...

Football: pools, fantasy, etc.

I just never was a big football fan. I liked watching baseball, at the ballpark. My Dad never really seemed to be a football fan, but then suddenly he was was, and my brother had been growing into one, and my StepDad liked it a lot but adored Basketball...

I moved last year back to my coastal college town, and found myself joining a football pool with my roommate. It gave us something to talk about when we went out and it became really fun to go out and watch a game somewhere and cheer with the other pleasantly buzzed folks in the bar; and the prospect of winning a little money wasn't so bad either. ;O)

So this year, when a co-worker and friend said they needed me to join the fantasy league, and it occurred to me that it could ultimately help me win the football pool...Of course I caved, and joined.

I find it somewhat surprising that I am now involved in 2 football related pastimes, that require the watching and study of football, which I am learning to enjoy, but still never really had a big desire for. Oh, and one more thing: like I really have time for this, too!! Well, a girl has to have a few pastimes right, oh wait, I do, about 100 of them that I am already not getting to! It really is fun to notice sometimes, what you find yourself unexpectedly and sort of out of character doing and then wondering where it will lead...

I need Kansas City to win today to stay in this years pool, last year I got eliminated on the first freakin game, I am really hoping to go all the way this year...go Chiefs, please!

I am at heart a Raiders fan, but this year is beginning to look at lot like last year, hang on to your helmets fans!

Tuckers & Hangers

So, I have this theory. I guess you could say its similar to the whole men prefer either Ginger or MaryAnn thing, or left-brained vs. right-brained, and it basically goes like this: Most people fall into 2 categories and you can tell a lot about a person by deciding which they are. Some, like any stereotype, fall somewhere in between (ie: mostly one or the other, or a fairly integrated both)

Tuckers - simply defined- are those who feel it necessary to tuck their shirts in, not because they have to, but because it doesn't "feel right" not to.

Hangers then, are those who only tuck in their shirts when necessary.

Sounds rediculous? Try it.
~ Pick a day
~ Make an effort to check out everyone you can see
~ Notice first whether their shirt is tucked or hanging
~ Try to discerne if this is by choice or by force (picking a weekend day helps with this a lot)
~ Once you believe they are a "T" or an "H" begin to observe things about their personality

I myself am a natural Hanger - 100%, I absolutely hate tucking my shirt in, and always have. Verses my ex-fiance a complete Tucker. I will use he and I as an example below for your reference:

Me: liberal - Him: conservative
Me: spiritual - Him: religious
Me: funloving - Him: safety first
Me: beach girl - Him: mountain boy

I don't at all imply (nor feel) that one is better than another, just a notice that was observed while I was teaching 5 year olds one year. It's an informal personality test if you will, fun at parties, and not a bad little guide when picking friends or lovers - you may notice I said ex-fiance, wonderful person (love him still...er...maybe too much) however in our case, a 100% Tucker and a 100% Hanger wasn't so much a positive in the long term department. However, I do have some great Tucker friends, many of whom love this little game; and me...Hanger and all! Enjoy!

Note: this is for silly fun only!!

Life - a full time job

Have you ever noticed that life can be a full time job? Between watering the yard, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, paying bills and everything in between, how am I supposed to create time for work - and I am single, no kids...how can I have kids, they would starve, I can barely get myself fed 2 meals a day!

Okay, granted, I usually work no less than 50 hours per week and often much more, and this likely accounts for a great deal of my time shortage but still, we do seem to have reverted from the golden days of the employee market dot com era back to something way too close to the indentured servitude model. You feel me? "...anyone...anyone...Bueller...?"

I couldn't be the only one who feels this way, and I know that comparitively I probably dont have it that bad, but seriously, am I the only one who is simply exhausted just trying to get through the mundane details of life? And then everyone wonders why I don't have a boyfriend, it really can't be such a mystery can it? Who has time? :O)